InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

Bronte (brontesaurus) wrote,
@ 2010-09-07 13:56:00

Current mood:	sleepy
Entry tags:	character: morag macdougal, character: sophia dixon, game: the societies, me, rl, thoughts

So last night/this morning I wa sup really late because my best friend, who's in England for the year, was online. The last few times we've chatted we haven;t had much to say which saddened my because we've been best friends since we were 8 and it was like we were losing our friendship. But last night was so great because it wa sjust like nothing had changed and it was back to how our friendship always was. I really shouldn't have ever been worried beause honestly, Fiona and I have never had that much in common despite being best friends, and we manages to stay friends when she moved to Malaysia and I only got to see her at Christmas time every year but I guess this time it felt different because we're older and it's both of us that had new lives, her in England and me at uni. But anyway, that's all fine and talking to her was super great and it was fine that I was up late because I have every second Tuesday off uni so I could sleep in (and even on the week I do have uni I don't start until 1 so that woukd've been okay too). So I was really looking forward to sleeping for most of the day but then I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Why? Because Sophia is being all weird in my head and taking up lots of headspace. Which Morag says is unfair because September is her month to hog my head (she figures usually she doesn't mind so she gets her way in September because it's her birthday month! And none of my other characters are allowed to be born in September. She can be surprisingly demanding when she wants to be). So this is a tl;dr about Sophia. Mostly it's about Sam so it's probably boring, sorry.

I guess what started it was Sam asking Sophia if she was a virgin or not, which she thought would’ve been a pretty obvious answer (when’s she going to have had time to sleep with anyone?) so she had no problem telling Sam. But then he said he wasn’t which surprised her and while she said she has no problem with it (because she doesn’t think she should have a problem with it), she didn’t ask how many girls or how long ago or anything because they got off that topic pretty quickly and now she’s curious. She also wants to know if he liked them more than he likes her, partly because she’s competitive and that even applies to wanting her boyfriend to like her more than his other girlfriends, and partly because she’s a 17 year old girl so she does worry about these things sometimes. On top of this, now she’s not sure if that means she’s expected to sleep with him sooner or something. This she isn’t worried about so much, because it’s Sam and he’s easy going and she doubts he would really care, plus it’s not like anything’s going to happen during school term because she doesn’t get the appeal of sex at school – there’s really very little privacy and it’s against the rules and it really just doesn’t sound that appealing.

I think part of the problem is that she always thought of herself as the more mature one. I don’t know why, Sam’s so balanced and chill and unfazed by most things and I think he’s mature. Maybe because she’s older and the whole being a prefect thing and she does have a fairly high opinion of herself. Who knows, but now she feels like that’s switched.

Then there’s also that she think Sam’s acting weird about Edgar and also about her work load. With Edgar she thinks it’s ridiculous because she and Sam have been over it before and they are just friends (I think you could call them friends anyway? You never know with Edgar). At the same time, although she doesn’t say it and actually denies it, she does realise that it’s strange that Edgar is nice to her when he’s not nice to most people. While she disagrees with Sam’s opinion that it’s because he likes her, she doesn’t really have any other reasons other than them both putting work before people and the Circle thing. She can’t explain the circle thing to Sam though, obviously so she and Edgar getting along is hard to justify. She enjoys talking to Edgar though because she can talk to him about Circle stuff, which, sure, she can do with any other member of the circle that she wants to but she likes knowing she’s got Edgar to talk to. He’s like her unofficial big (except she says not because she loves Natalia as a big!). I think she just thinks Edgar understands her and her need to do well in classes etc. because he’s similar in some respects and so feels that stuff she can’t talk to Sam about she can talk to Edgar about.

She also thinks Sam is being weird about her picking up the Wizarding Culture class. I don’t think she gets that really he’s just looking out for her because he doesn’t want her to take too much on and then have a meltdown or something. To her, doing all these things is important and if anything she’d be more likely to break up with Sam then drop a club or a class. While she sort of gets where he’s coming from when he says if she does too much, her marks will suffer, she has confidence in her ability to keep on top of things and not get behind in classes. Whether or not she actually can do this is yet to be seen but she thinks she can.

For most of the holidays her plan was to break up with Sam if she got Head Girl (they had agreed to it being fine if it was just a holiday thing and Sam had always said it was her call if she decided she didn’t have the time and he’d go along with whatever). Then she got Head Girl (after Gwen’s post she was certain she wasn’t going to get it) but she didn’t break up with him (she’s still not sure this was the smart, rational decision. Actually, she’s pretty sure it wasn’t). I think because she didn’t she feels as if she’s got the right to pick up new classes because if she can make time for him then she can make time for more homework, because that would come first in her priorities.

I think one of Sophia’s main problems is that she chooses her classes/clubs for the wrong reasons. Arithmancy is her favourite class and she has decided she wants to be an arithmancer or something with arithmancy when she leaves school so it is the class she puts most effort into. The reason she chose it, however, is because she heard it was the most difficult class so she was compelled to do it and be good at it. While she also likes potions, Professor Bobbin did factor into her decision to do the class for NEWTs. She picked up choir for the same reason. She’s in the honour society because it’s obviously a prestigious club and so it’s impressive to be in it. She also really likes the idea of being in something from its beginning, like it’s like being part of history or something. She’s doing the Wizarding class for that reason. Charms club and Newspaper she doesn’t really have any ulterior motives behind joining. It’s not that she doesn’t enjoy all her clubs though, she does, but that’s not her main motive for doing them. To her, having extra-curricular activities is a way of seeming more rounded and balanced. Which is kind of ridiculous because Sophia’s hardly balanced. Because of this she’s always coming up with reasons to justify picking up a new activity or class. With wizarding culture it was that she’s a muggleborn so it’s not only interesting but useful because it’s not stuff she grew up knowing. AND Shaundra said that the fact she was doing it should be a good example to other students so she can’t not do it now because being a good example is important, especially as she is head girl.

It’s not that Sophia wants to overload herself with work, she doesn’t, she just feels like she needs to do more stuff to be more impressive. She wants more spare time, especially as she wants to make time to write in her journal as much as possible (despite not having that much to say) because she wants Ravenclaw to win. She’d probably also put finding time to write an entry before finding time to spend with Sam because Ravenclaw winning the house cup is important to her. I don’t think they’ve won while she’s been at Hogwarts (?) and this is her last year so it’s her last chance. Sure, she’s happy they got Quidditch cup last year and she’d like them to get it again this year but she’d prefer house cup (both would be the best, of course!). I think in one of her journal entries she was saying how at least house cup the whole house has an impact on, whereas Quidditch is down to just the people on the team and not being on the team makes it less important to her. Gwen asking her about giving and taking points made Sophia realise that she has the ability to give or take points to help Ravenclaw. While she finds this very tempting (and if she saw a worthwhile reason to give points to a Ravenclaw student, she would do so without any hesitation), her desire to be a good head girl wins out so she’s not (too biased). But if Ravenclaw were just behind near the end of the year she’d find it so tempting, even if she wouldn’t do it. Being a good Head Girl is slightly more important than winning the House Cup as although winning it is one of her goals, becoming Head Girl has been her main goal since third year.

Anyway, with it always being up to her whether or not she and Sam would continue to date once school started again, she’s always felt like she had the control in the relationship (not in like some weird, bad way, just in a way that meant she didn’t really worry about the relationship at all, aside from thinking about whether or not she would break up with him). Now, since she thinks Sam is acting weird (idk if he is or not, she is possible reading too much into things and being irrational) and with her not actually being as okay as she said she was with the him not being a virgin thing, she feels like she doesn’t have this control anymore. I think to her the control comes with who she thinks is more likely to break up with who which means she now thinks that Sam is more likely to break up with her. She really doesn’t like this turn around (even if it’s possible only in her head).

In game I don’t think any characters know they’re dating? Unless characters have figured it out/Sam has told them. Sophia has only told her sister that’s closest in age to her. Not because she and her sister get along so sharing stuff like that is common, but because her siblings are also competitive and they all compete for the best marks and for who does the most extra activities and who is best at these activities. Sophia is especially competitive with the sister that’s closest in age to her because there’s only a one year difference. So she would’ve enjoyed rubbing in the fact that not only is she a witch (and now of age so able to do magic at home), getting good marks, involved in lots of activities but she also has a boyfriend whereas her sister doesn’t. She would’ve been extra gloaty after getting Head Girl (her sister was Head Girl of her muggle school though). I imagine she wore the badge all that day, mainly because she was so happy and proud of herself for getting it, but also to boast a little. The Dixon siblings aren’t particularly nice to each other. Well, the older ones are okay because they grew up a bit and got over it (well, kind of. They’re still competitive but not as bad. Plus her other sister was never that bad to start with because being the eldest she didn’t feel the need to compete quite as much). Anyway, so while her sister knows, she hasn’t told others. She did mention to Anastasia that she’d been spending time with Sam over the holidays and when Ben was organising the 7th year Ravenclaws meet up, she did speak for Sam and say he’d be there but aside from that she hasn’t really said anything. This is partly because she just doesn’t really see why everyone needs to know and neither she or Sam are the type to announce it to everyone, like Ben and Logan, but also partly because of what other people might think. Mostly Leo, I think. After working with Leo as co-prefects for so long, she does have a sort of respect for him. Sure, she thinks he’s ridiculous and over the top but she thinks his intentions when it comes to following the rules are good, even if he takes it to the extreme. She knows that Leo doesn’t really approve of relationships at school and she cares about what he thinks about her as a Head Girl because he’s the prefect that takes things most seriously. Everyone else she thinks wouldn’t really care and so if people asked her or found out somehow she wouldn’t care but she’s reluctant to just tell people.

Basically, she’s going to keep concentrating and her school work and being a good head girl because it’s more important (and less confusing) to her than Sam. And I think that’s all I have to say. Which is good because that ended up being super long!

Now I wanna go back to sleep but I'm going out tonight so I have to start getting ready. :(

(Post a new comment)

part i.

corsair
2010-09-07 12:59 pm UTC (link)

That was insanely long! But very interesting to read through!!

Sam, I'm afraid to say, went off to be male-like and stopped thinking about the entire discussion. He's still convinced that there's something going on and it's weird because the more he obsesses over it, I think the more likely he is to actually end up pushing her away. No one likes to be mistrusted -- and it's not that he doesn't trust her but I think he can tell she's not as self-perceptive as she claims to be so he still worries from time to time that maybe she doesn't like him as much. I think in his mind, he should take more of a priority over some stupid new club/class she doesn't even need. Especially as she didn't break up with him after she became head girl so he doesn't get why she'd want to go pick up yet ANOTHER class and risk more of the little time they'd have together anyway.

He has absolutely no idea she has a problem with his not being a virgin -- he just took her word at face value and, for the most part, figured that that part of the discussion was done with. I don't know how this knowledge will play out, but I doubt he'd ask her to do anything she wasn't comfortable doing. He might ask, though. I don't know - depends on where they are and what's going through his head. I don't tune in enough to figure it all out because usually his thoughts are about whether he could invent a charm for X or whether something like that already exists etc etc. Or else he's thinking about flying. Or when the next time he can crawl into a quiet corner to read a good book will be. His head isn't quite as ADD as, say, Gavin's. Or angsty as Edgar's. It's refreshing.

Awww, Sophia! I don't know. In some ways, Sam is pretty mature. His calm and more level-headed nature is really helpful because so many people around him are pretty much either batshit insane, or really, really wound up in goodness knows what ways. And I think he has the rare ability to accept things for what they are -- not always, of course, I mean, he's human after all. But he definitely seems to be more perceptive than some of the other people around him. I don't know if that's just because he can read situations well or if the way he was brought up just meant that he's had a bit more life experience (I swear, some people who work in cafes are like unofficial counsellors, or something. Part of the unspoken job description, I think.) He's also had to deal with a more grown up world than other people his age -- not because he's had a summer job, but I think Benj really taught him how to take care of the business, got him to help with the books and taught him how to manage stock and etc. So I get this sense that he was expected to grow up quicker than maybe other people were. Also, I think he's just naturally inclined that way too.

But it is interesting what you said about the lack of control that Soph suddenly feels. I think on Sam's side, he still feels like she's the one who's more likely to walk away. And maybe it won't be because she doesn't like him, but even so, he knows it will hurt because he knows that he's still putting more effort into it than she is as he seems to value it more than she does or something. Or at least, he recognises that he doesn't rank as highly as she does on his list of priorities. And maybe he ranks higher than other people, but competing with extracurriculars, homework and classes -- well. He doesn't enjoy it, certainly.

And he so does not get the whole Edgar thing at all. I think if he walked away thinking about anything, it was definitely the fact that she told him that Edgar was the reason that they were even together anyway, because if it hadn't been for his challenge/competition thing, she wouldn't have spent time with Sam. Which kind of threw Sam in a way, because when she asked, he had wondered at the time whether this was because she had wanted to spend time with him for a particular reason. Not that someone told her she should, so she did.

I think to him, it sort of cheapens it a bit? IDK. He's finding it hard to articulate why that bothers him and doesn't really want to think about it any more.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

part ii.

corsair
2010-09-07 12:59 pm UTC (link)

I guess what Sam really doesn't understand is why she has to do all this stuff to feel like she's better than her siblings. He doesn't understand her competitive nature because he just doesn't have one. Oh, sure, he likes it when Ravenclaw's winning and it's cool when he earns points. And he definitely likes to win Quidditch. But the reason he plays Quidditch is not to win - but because he really, really enjoys the game. And the reason he takes the classes he does is because he enjoys them. And the reason he goes to Charms Club is because he loves it. He doesn't do things to validate himself to other people -- which is possibly my favourite thing about Sam, is just how he's cool with who he is and with doing what he knows he wants to do even if he hasn't totally figured it all out yet. He's not terribly ambitious. It's kind of an issue because he doesn't have too many serious goals. But on the other hand, it means he's also usually pretty content.

I guess he doesn't care about who's in control. I don't even think he really thinks about it at all. He just doesn't consider that as something he needs or should think about. In his world, people in a relationship are on equal footing. He's also a pretty passive dude so he lets Soph call all the shots.

And no -- Sam probably just told his family, if anything. And that was it. He hates announcing things and will just let everyone else figure it out if they care. And if not, then whatever because it really doesn't concern them anyway -- it's his dating life, not theirs.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

part iii.

corsair
2010-09-07 01:20 pm UTC (link)

Reflections on Edgar...
Okay, so we all know that Sam thinks Edgar likes Sophia. And I think there's a part of him that wonders if Soph would be interested in Edgar -- he doesn't get it. AT ALL. But he really can't figure out why they even talk.

Which is obviously related to the circle. I doubt Edgar would have even bothered talking to Soph if it hadn't been for the circle. He takes absolutely no interest in people and has no patience for them. But he DOES like being in the circle -- it's like the one social circle he knows he can at least rely on to get something from. He doesn't trust anyone else, but there's something useful in knowing there's a group of people who are equally sworn to secrecy to protect the same thing that you're a part of. And also. All that being helped in his career and etc is really quite useful.

That day in the library when he noticed (off-screen, we didn't bother logging it because we were just looking for a random reason for him to talk to her in the journals as I had little other plots for him that was more lighthearted) her studying... I think that struck a chord with him and he recognised something in himself. Of course, there's one thing that he recognised that he also suffered and that was a lack of social connections based on just enjoying each others company. And he's lonely and he didn't really want her to go through it. I guess it also helped that she was pretty and YEAH, SAM. He did find her attractive. Shut up.

ANYWAY.

He talked to her. And the more he does, the more he sees that they have more in common than he'd have first thought. They are both competitive and ambitious. And I guess they also seem to need to be validated by pieces of paper or their grades and etc because they feel the need to prove that they are better, perhaps? IDK. Anyway. I think he sees that, and so he gets it. And I think he wants her to avoid some of the regrets he has in his time in Hogwarts, so he wants to encourage her to have friends -- and yeah, to prioritise her work but not forget that all work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy.

I think the one thing he really doesn't want to face is that people won't care that he's now graduated. No one's going to start painting their bedroom walls because it makes them sad when they think about how they've now moved on from school and won't see him anymore. He doesn't have a buddy to drink with and he doesn't think anyone in the Warrington House actually LIKES him. And he recognises that this is a shitty social legacy to leave behind. As much as he WANTS to pretend that he doesn't care, he does. And the way he expresses this is... IDK. By being Soph's unofficial Big, I guess.

I don't know what he'd say or how he'd feel if he was told she was dating someone. I wonder whether he'd feel jealous, whether he'd say it was a good thing or whether he'd ask if she had time for a relationship considering she's Head Girl and this is her NEWTs year and anyway, she's only 17. What's the rush?

He's weird and unpredictable like that and I have a hard time trying to figure out what it is exactly that he would say until it actually happens and I find him reacting.

He's an odd duck, to be sure.

There's a part of him that genuinely cares. Which is weird, because he can't remember the last time he let himself genuinely care about anyone that wasn't related to his goals. He really doesn't understand why he takes an interest in Soph any more than I do. He just knows that he genuinely finds her interesting, likes talking to her and doesn't feel threatened by her, either. Plus - she's nice to him, and that's like +100 bonus points.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	corsair 2010-09-07 01:21 pm UTC (link)
	... I think I nearly out-tl;dr'd you. AND. STEPHEN SAYS YOU SHOULD WRITE LOTS ABOUT MO SO HE CAN READ THE ANALYSIS AS IT IS HER MONTH. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	brontesaurus 2010-09-08 07:56 am UTC (link)
	You did! Mo actually has nothing to say and not really anything to tl;dr about. But she's glad Stephen agrees that it is her month!! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	corsair 2010-09-08 12:30 pm UTC (link)
	He says he should just tl;dr about him. Or them. Or the cats. Or something. WHATEVER. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	brontesaurus 2010-09-08 09:37 pm UTC (link)
	Maybe on her birthday. (Reply to this) (Parent)

Re: part iii.

brontesaurus
2010-09-08 08:50 am UTC (link)

aww I love Edgar! Sophia has no idea why he talks to her (aside from both being in the circle) or why he's nice to her but that doesn't bother her, even if she does realise him being nice to her is strange. While she likes Sam because he isn't competetive, she likes Edgar because he is so he gets her. I think she feels like she's got solidarity with him or something and this, along with being in the circle with him, makes her trust him. Mostly I think she just likes that they're similar enough to get along and she finds their similarities makes him easy to talk to. At the same time, she also likes that they're friendly because he's not really that nice to anyone else. It makes her feel special or something. idek.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	Re: part ii. brontesaurus 2010-09-08 08:20 am UTC (link)
	I like that about Sam too! Sophia likes it too because it's like she can be more relaxed with Sam, she doesn't have to worry about being the best all the time because he already likes her. But while she really likes that about him, it does make it hard for her to explain why she does stuff, which I think is part of the reason she tries to justify things so much. (Reply to this) (Parent)

Re: part i.

brontesaurus
2010-09-08 08:14 am UTC (link)

I like that he thinks because she didn't break up with him that she shouldn't pick up a new class whereas she thinks because she didn't break up with him she should be allowed to pick up a new class. I think it shows their different values or something nicely.

She doesn't know why she has a problem with it and she thinks she shouldn't have a problem with it so the fact that she does have a problem probably bothers her more than the actually not being as okay as she said about it.

I think that makes sense! Whereas Sophia has never had to do any of that. She's never even had to have a summer job or anything. She was considering it becuase everyone was talking about getting one and it's always good to have experience, but in the end she decided to have a fun summer with Sam instead. So Sam was top priority for a little while! Unfortunately I think this is because she just assumed it was only a summer thing so putting of work temporarily was okay. Or something.

Aww poor Sam! She really should prioritise him more but it's just not something she's used to doing. She likes Sam and if she stopped to actually think about it then she'd probably feel bad that he's putting in more effort, but at the same time she sort of thinks that he should expect her to be like that when they're at school.

That makes sense (to me at least, Sophia not as much)! Because it's like hearing that someone doens't actually want to spend time with you and are just doing it because they have to. Sophia says it's not exactly like that because if she did prioritise differently then she'd probably have been spending time with him and other people before the challenge so it's not as if she didn't want to spend time with him. Also she thinks since she chose him as one of the people to spend time with makes it okay because it's not like she was just spending time with the first person she saw. So she doesn't see how it would really make a difference but I do.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	sira_ne_biber 2010-09-07 06:37 pm UTC (link)
	I want to read the convo between Sophia and Sam and can't find it! Link? Also, Cate agrees Sept is a great month for birthdays. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	brontesaurus 2010-09-08 07:55 am UTC (link)
	Obviously cool people are born in September! (Or not because July is clearly a better month). (Reply to this) (Parent)